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Are relationships that have ended still sabotaging your happiness?

Are relationships that have ended still sabotaging your happiness?

In recent conversations, I’ve been very aware of 1) deep human longing to share love with another and 2) lack of understanding that relational problems have their source in inner energetic patterns.

On the surface may be behaviours that cause separation rather than connection. Underneath self protective behaviours are the energetic residue of past traumatic experiences.

The truth is that when sabotaging patterns remain unresolved, they will repeat with another person, albeit in a slightly different way.

Let’s consider three situations, that are quite common, in my experience.

1- A woman who is still so hurt by a betrayal that led to divorce that she doesn’t think she can trust anyone again. The marriage ended 10 years ago and she hasn’t dated since.

2-  A woman who remains in a long term relationship that appears to others to be good. But the difficult dynamics, not seen on social occasions by others, are destroying her soul and her sanity.

3- A woman who is in a relationship that seems more healthy and promising than those in the past. As she has relaxed into the relationship and found trust in her partner, she is surprised to discover something in herself that limits a deepening into what she intuits to be her full sexual potential.

I wish the same for my clients as I do for myself – to be a fully expressed human being. This often requires courage to move beyond a comfort zone, followed by dedication to a transformational process.

Transformation is more easily accomplished with a specific type of support that includes: confidence in your ability to grow, holding at your growing edge and the objective vision to guide you forward.

Here are the indications that coaching might help you.

  • if you know you are caught defensive/self protective strategies that have become habitual
  • if you can’t move forward because of the lack of completion of a previous relationship
  • you keep attracting people and situations that deplete your energy

Difficult dynamics make sense when considered from an energetic point of view. A solution awaits – Relational Mastery.

 

Contemplating jealousy and competition

Last week I had an interesting conversation about jealousy with a client.

Given that jealousy tends to be socially unacceptable and therefore repressed, I found it refreshing that she was so matter of fact in her admission of past jealousy towards her partner. And she was keen to determine where, and in what situations, this ‘demon’ still sabotaged her life. (The ‘demon’ being the jealousy and not the partner!)

We spoke of comparison, competitiveness, co-dependence and the points of view and beliefs that promote the behaviours.

A couple of days later, a colleague mentioned that the coaching field promotes competitiveness – to be the best, to make more money, to be more visible etc.

As a personal/spiritual development coach I hold to a different vision and purpose for coaching. But, I am not personally immune to falling into comparison and feeling inadequate.

I remembered a conversation I had with another coach last year. She said, wryly, ‘the problem is that the beautiful maiden of coaching was seduced by the slimy salesman of internet marketing.’ (If you want to use that quote, I heard it from Dawn Todd.)

I started to connect the dots between the conversations. The ‘beautiful maiden’ in all of us can be seduced easily, if and when ‘she’ believes ‘she’ needs the ‘slimy, charismatic salesman’.

Such feelings of inadequacy affect all of us from time to time. This is because we all suffer from an existential wound of separation. That existential wound manifests a bit differently for each one of us. For some it is ‘I’m not good enough.’ For others it is ‘I’m unworthy’ or ‘I’m unlovable’ or ‘I’m unwanted’ or ‘I’m useless.’ In the case of my client, she had dimmed her light in the childhood belief of ‘I’m too much.’

When we can admit to our feelings of inadequacy and notice accompanying jealousy, comparison and competition, we are not dangerous. Consciousness is the antidote to dangerous forms of jealousy. Consciousness is the doorway to transformation.

We are dangerous if we claim to never feel this way. Invulnerability suggests a lack of attention to, and continuing suppression of, emotional data. This lack of consciousness is at the root of narcissism.

The world is a hall of mirrors. And part of the magic, for me, has been to learn to use this hall of mirrors for my own growth.

So, this last week, after working with my client, I worked on myself. This is a habit for me. I contemplated when and where feelings of jealousy or competitiveness might have been present recently. I found a couple of instances where my admiration of another person’s achievement, or their apparent ease in situations that I find challenging, were accompanied by feelings of inadequacy.

At least, now, I know what to do with such feelings – take the time to feel them fully. Often this must be done after the event, as part of a personal practice, which is what I did.

Further suppression and the accompanying behaviours that have their root in childhood reactions, can be nipped in the bud when we sit quietly and ask ourselves this question:

Where in my body is this feeling of inadequacy/jealousy?

Welcoming the feeling and being willing to experience it fully counters the old habits of suppression and initiates a process of dissolution.

When I reached this point in the consultation with my client, it was possible to guide her through a releasing process. The work I most love to do is help people to release old energetic imprints which block their freedom to be authentic.

My client understood that when she connects to her inner resources and guidance, there is no jealousy of anyone else. And, freed from the belief of ‘I’m too much’, she can reclaim suppressed parts. She does not need to live in the shadows of another as she learns how to shine her own light and offer her gifts.

May we all understand the root causes of relational dramas and find release from struggle and suffering. Spiritual understanding + energy/quantum tools + coaching skills is one way to make fast progress. This is my offering.

As for me, I will be enjoying a short break to Barcelona with my sister for a few days next week. Sibling rivalry/jealousy is not a problem between us as mature adults. But, it could have been if neither of us had done any personal work. It was present in the previous generation in our family. Having cleared a bit more of the ‘karma’ this week, I am looking forward to a catch up with her!

Grief as a vehicle for transformation

Letting go of expectations and assumptions seems to have been the theme of 2016.

The 2 unexpected election results – in the UK, Brexit, and in the US, the election of Donald Trump – might be viewed from the perspective that the collective energy was more focussed on what needs to go – given the lack of clarity around what actually was being voted for….

My personal opinion is that the results are a type of wake-up call. But, before any of us decides on how we are going to respond from an activist perspective, we might benefit from a period of contemplation.

Let’s dive deep to the calm waters beneath our overstimulated stress responses. Find the peaceful source, where fears are transformed and appropriate response that is not a wounded reaction can arise.

In this seat of contemplation ask what you need to let go of, incluiding attitudes, assumptions and patterns. These are some of the differing veils through which we interpret life.

Often, you will find some sort of mirror between what is happening ‘out there’ and what is happening in your more immediate circle. Any clues there with regard to what is past its ‘use by’ date?

I’ll share what happened in my personal world this year with regard to letting go.

My 92 year old Dad died in April. As the second parent to go, his ‘departure’ led to the clearance and selling of the home he, and my mother before her death in 2012, had lived in for 44 years. Not much had been thrown out in that time……

A major clear out, and subsequent sale, of the family home, uncovered many things that I hadn’t seen or thought about since childhood. Re-considering my parents with new eyes through the sorting of their possessions, put a clear focus on the wounds and the gifts of my genetic and conditioned inheritance.

I saw new ways in which certain family patterns re-appeared through my life experiences. Given that I have a very good ‘toolbox’ when it comes to practices and healing methods, I was well resourced. I took the time to work with these new realisations about my energetic imprints.

As I see it, this was an important aspect of my grieving process.  Grieving is a powerful vehicle of transformation following death of a loved one. Similarly it needs to be a part of our collective process, especially for those who were deeply shocked by the election results this year.

The place to begin to effect the change you want to see in the world is within.

What fondly held illusions and attachments must you grieve in order to release them with grace and forgiveness? What are you in the process of letting go of?

Grieving is pre-requisite to finding the physical energy, emotional enthusiasm and spiritual courage to move into a new phase of life and action.

We can emerge from the transformative fire of grief with new strength, greater humility and clarity with regard to where we want to place our energies in the forthcoming year.